Celebrating every little victory

Overcoming binge eating has to be a slow process. I've tried restricting my intake, and this only leads to more (and usually more severe) binges. I've decided that I have to do it slowly. My body has to be weaned like any other addict. I won't fast to kick start my weight loss like I've done in the past. I won't limit myself to only healthy food. I want to learn moderation and control. I want to eat one square of chocolate, and not the whole giant sized bar. 

Yesterday was a good day. I ate too many peanut butter balls, but I did not lose control. I went back for a second bowl of pasta and realized that I was at the beginning of a binge, so I threw the pasta away and took a shower.

I did not binge and this is worth celebrating. 

One binge at a time.

My name is Cassie, and I am a binge eater. I struggle with my disordered relationship with food. I fight a daily battle: binge on junk food or lose weight. Sometimes I win. I tell myself no to the cookies. I drive past McDonalds and don't stop for a cheeseburger. I even order a salad at my favorite Mexican restaurant and don't eat a basket full of chips. Far too often, though, food wins. I make excuses. "But you haven't eaten lunch, one burger won't hurt and you'll do really good at dinner." I tell myself I won't buy more cookies once these are gone. I eat them all at once to make sure I won't have them around to think about anymore. Worst of all, sometimes I convince myself that I am okay being fat, and that the junk food is worth the damage I'm doing to my body. When I'm in the middle of a binge, I don't care about myself. I don't care about my aching back. The fact that I am bigger than I've ever been doesn't phase me. I don't see myself as obese during a binge. All I care about during a binge is the next wonderful mouthful of whatever I'm shoveling in at the moment. The feelings of shame always come just a few bites too late (usually once whatever I'm eating is completely gone and there is nothing left in the house to binge on.) I look in the mirror and see the bulging stomach, the protruding ass, and the gross double chin and I hate myself for failing once again.
 I've let being fat hold me back in so many ways. Fat people have to worry about things that skinny people probably never even think about. "Will I fit in the seat?" or worse, "Will I break the seat?" I have never ridden a roller coaster because I do not fit in the carts. I actually tried once. I was at an amusement park with my whole class, and my mom was a chaperone. She convinced me to get on a mild coaster (because I convinced her that the reason I never rode was because I was afraid of heights, and not because I was afraid of not fitting in the seat.) I waited in line for 30 minutes. My mom and I were going to ride in the same cart. I tried to sit down, and I was too wide. The embarrassment I felt when I had to exit the ride convinced me to never try any others.
 I could write all day about the ways being fat has held me back, but the point of this blog is to move forward. I recently watched "The Secret." If you've never seen it/read the book, I highly recommend it. It is about the power of attraction, and about how you can get what you want simply by knowing that you already have it. So I declare, on this day, that I am healthy. I do not have binge eating disorder, I have already overcome it. I will have bad days, but I will forgive myself and push forward. I will be thin and healthy by this time next year.